Overcoming Shyness

Hi it's Dave here and thanks to you for visiting my blog page.  This week I thought I would take a look at something that is quite debilitating and is known to be something of a "show stopper"  Then I give you a range of ideas about how you can take action to reduce these effects and

Overcome Shyness

Have you ever noticed that inner discomfort when you suddenly end up thrust into a group of people you have never met before?  It first happened to me when I was at a party and the host said something like:-

“This is my good friend Dave: he works for one of the world’s greatest lighting companies. They work on some amazing jobs.  Go on Dave tell them about some of the top end clients your company has worked with!”

So then what happens?  Your mouth probably goes dry; you probably blush; you feel awkward and start shuffling your feet; you could even start to sweat (do you know that one?).

Inage by: wytchwynd photography

I do - and it came about because I have a great friend (Tom) who used to regularly put me in that situation. Over the years I have learned to deal with it and can now turn to something that I call “my instant confidence toolkit”   I am now (with practice) able switch it on and off as required. 

I have even learned to do it on the telephone when things like the above statement suddenly get dropped into the conversation. (Tom has a habit of doing this on speakerphone when he has a classroom full of German Students)

So because I have been talking about this recently I was invited by a few people to put together some of my thoughts and pointers concerning the subject of Shyness.  Never one to recoil from a challenge I put my research head on and began to pore over many people's work that focussed on the topic.  Below is the result of my labour.

Shyness, as defined by Dr. Bernardo J. Carducci of the Shyness Research Institute, has three distinct components:

·     Excessive Self-Consciousness – meaning that you are overly aware of yourself, particularly in social situations.

·     Excessive Negative Self-Evaluation – this means that you tend to see yourself in a negative way.

·     Excessive Negative Self-Preoccupation – you tend to pay too much attention to all the things you are doing wrong when you are around other people.

Having taken that explanation as a “given” my thoughts turned to providing a collection of a few tips and pointers designed to help shyness sufferers move towards overcoming this perceived problem.

But before we go further let me explain why I say it is a “perceived problem”.  Really it is quite simple, there is no such thing as a shy gene!  The state of shyness is often created by a combination of the following 3 things:-

a weak self image

a pre-occupation with oneself

labelling

Nobody is born shy, therefore it must follow that shyness is, like a vast majority of other “ailments or phobia”, learned behaviour.  The direct result of recognising this fact is the conclusion that - if shyness is learned, then it can, by its very definition, be unlearned. 

The question is how?  Listed below are a number of things that we can do to help us overcome shyness -

Pointers and tips for overcoming shyness

learn to understand your shyness, what triggers it and when it does kick in what are you concerned with?

change from being self conscious into a state of self awareness.  The world is not concentrating on you and what you are doing.  Become aware of what you are thinking and what you are feeling at these times.

identify your strengths and learn to use them to your advantage.  

Find something that you are good at and concentrate on that.  This will enable you to boost your self esteem and it will help you to build your self confidence

learn to like yourself – you are the key to moving forwards in your life and before you can make progress it is vital that you put aside all your preconceptions about who you are.  You are the only you there is, embrace that you!   When someone asks you if you like or love yourself you can immediately answer, without hesitation, “of course I do, why wouldn't I?”

Understand that it is ok to be different! - Wouldn't life be boring if we were all the same, thought the same thoughts, went to the same places, drove the same cars and so on? Remember that you are a unique individual, that there is only one of you and rejoice in that knowledge.

Focus on other people, take an interest in what they have to say, ask questions and wait for the answers.

Learn to breathe consciously and maintain a focus on your breathing whenever you feel pressurised and /or nervous.  Take deep breaths, inhale and exhale slowly.

It is also useful to move about or take exercise when you begin to become anxious. it helps you to remove yourself from the situation and to refocus your mind.

Visualise yourself as a confident person - when you place yourself in that state notice how you feel, what you see, how you stand, how you place your hands and feet.

Use the power of affirmations - create a short affirmation to help you return to the mindset of being capable, confident and at ease with your wonderful self.

Sometimes it is good and worthwhile to “face your fear” - when a situation develops that causes your shyness to surface instead of running for the door, stand your ground and face it head on.  The more often you do this, the stronger you will become.

I personally use this next tool often – Accept that not everyone will love you.

To paraphrase the late Dr Wayne Dyer's book “Your Erroneous Zones”.  During the US  Presidential Elections when George Bush and George McGovern went head to head, it was recorded that the victor received 53% of the vote and yet that was declared a landslide victory.  So if you manage to get half of the people plus 3% to love you then you have got yourself a landslide!!!!

Now in my own life, I want approval, I like approval, I seek approval but I don't need approval and when you understand and act on this information the same could be said of you as well.

Get rid of the notion that you need to be perfect.  In the words of Winston Churchill "perfection is spelt paralysis". It is far better to be natural and to make mistakes than to chase the ideal of perectionism and be unhappy.

Another huge point that has a drastic effect on your approach is carrying around a label.  If you tell yourself and others "I'm Shy" then guess what?  You are shy.  Get rid of the label and acknowledge that you used to be a person who behaved in a shy manner, but from now forwards that person has gone and you welcome the opportunity to be more outgoing and friendly.

Practice thinking ahead!  Knowing what you are going to say during a conversation or during a talk that you are giving can really help in overcomine your shyness thinking.

Put yourself on the limit in order to desensitise your fear

Relax, breathe and move with grace

Do what you feel comfortable doing.  Go to places where you feel at ease and begin to relax and enjoy the moment.

Focus on the moment!  Give it your full attention and don't keep worrying about what will happen in the future.  Now, this moment, is all that you have.  Treasure it and make it special.

The final point I have to make is to advise you to seek out your success.  Each time you have a success moment, write it down!   At the end of each day review the list and ask, “what did I do there?”  “how did it feel?”.  This will then become your Journal of Success and if you do this diligently it will help you to recreate the same situations often, until they become second nature.

So there you have it the things that go together to make up my instant confidence toolkit.

If this has made you think about how you act, or if it has prompted any questions, then please feel free to add them as a comment in the box below or to email me:- thedavebaxter@mail.com

About Dave I am a coach; speaker; radio presenter and founder of The Blue Sky Company.  I am also a therapist and co-own a virtual light centre called The Crystal Spring.  My therapy work includes music therapy; reiki; crystal therapy.

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Have a fantastic day and live a life of Passion and Power.

And above all

Don't Predict The Future - CREATE IT!

DAve x

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