Wednesday, 10 January 2018

The Limiting Belief Quagmire



Limiting Beliefs are like a quagmire. They suck you in – but they don't spit you out. The more you struggle the more you're stuck. Limiting beliefs can quite literally sap you of energy. 

It is often the small inconsequential ones that do most harm. The throw-away lines that you endlessly repeat in your head – these are the ones that leave you exhausted.
 

How do you work with a client's limiting beliefs?
 

Firstly, help your client notice them. Listening acutely to their language. What kinds of assumptions and judgments is your client often making? What kind of commentary are they running in their heads?
 

Once you have started to notice them, then take time to verbalise and challenge. 


For example, a client, let's call him Jack, was berating his boss for ignoring him that morning. "He obviously doesn’t like me," was the conclusion. As a result of this Jack felt anxious during the day wondering what he'd done wrong. 

When a client makes such a sweeping assumption, it's time to get out the ABC guide.
 

What does ABC stand for?
 

There are three simple steps to this model
 

A
 = Activating Event
B
 = Belief about the Event
C
 = Consequence

With Jack’s example the following had happened
 

Activating Event – His boss hadn't returned a 'good morning' greeting.
 

Belief about the event – Jack worries that he's done something wrong and his boss no longer likes him.
 

Consequence – Jack spends the whole day worrying about it. This has a negative impact on his work.
 

So you can see that it's all about the limiting belief that Jack holds.
 

Clients often believe that the 'activating event' is the cause of their distress. In Jack's case he blamed his boss. If his boss had said good morning back then he wouldn't have become anxious.
 

The trouble with this kind of thinking is that the problem is always ‘out there.' Feelings of powerlessness and helplessness add to the client's distress.
 

Tremendous shifts can be made when you show them that it is not the Activating Event that causes the distress. It is their Belief about the event that has such power.
 

The beauty of this is that clients often have the wonderful ‘aha’ moment when the penny drops. Rather than being powerless, they now hold the power. This is where the coaching begins.
 

Change the belief you change the consequence
 

Your role as the coach is to challenge and examine the Belief. The Belief is not based in reality it is completely made up. In Jack's case his 'Belief' led him to think that his boss didn’t like him.
 

However this Belief is something the client can change and is completely within their power. Ask the client to start coming up with some other options for the Belief.

Here is a selection of examples -

Maybe the boss did not hear him say good morning.

Maybe the boss has got other things on his mind.

Maybe the boss is not great at social interactions.

Maybe the boss had a row with his wife when he left home.

Maybe the boss thought Jack was talking to someone else.

Considering these examples Jack in now in a position to look at a range of new possibilities 

As soon as Jack realises that he could have responded in other ways, things open up. 

He can see his ‘Belief’ is just a belief and not a fact. Once the power returns to Jack he realises that the Consequence is entirely based on his ‘Belief’. 

In other words a different Belief would have resulted in a different Consequence. Jack can then choose a different belief that opens up other possibilities. For example
 

A
 – The boss does not respond to Jack's 'good morning'
B
 – Jack thinks, 'I wonder if he’s got other things on his mind'
C
 – Jack decides to go to see the boss to 'check he's ok'. 

By switching his belief about the incident to a more supportive belief, Jack finds that the there are many more options available to him.
 

In Summary

Using the ABC guide is a quick way to address limiting beliefs. As a coach this is a great way to show a client how a ‘belief’ can be limiting or empowering. Clients find it easy to follow and to understand.
 

The ABC guide is a great way to stop those limiting beliefs from festering.

Limiting beliefs are like chains that keep us trapped. They often spill into our language without us even knowing. Letting your client see a list of limiting beliefs is a great way to start to identify them. Take a look at this list and see how many you are holding on to.

Limiting Beliefs

I have come across a lot of limiting beliefs in my time as a coach. Believe me there are thousands out there. Here is a "top 30" list  that I have compiled. Some are my own limiting beliefs whilst others came from the clients that I coach.

Do you recognise any of your own?

Limiting Beliefs 1-10

All people are out for themselves
I’m hopeless in social situations
When I talk people get bored
You have to trample your way to the top
All people are untrustworthy
Everyone is out to rip you off
I cannot change – it’s in my blood/family
I will never succeed
I always attract the wrong people
I always get it wrong

Limiting Beliefs 11-20

I’m a fraud at work
I am responsible for how other people feel
I am worthless
I am unlucky
I have no confidence
People wouldn’t like me if they really knew who I was
I must do everything perfectly (as opposed to “I want to pursue excellence”
If I don’t achieve X there’s no point in starting
I’m no good at ….
I’m helpless to change things

Limiting Beliefs 21-30

No one would be attracted to me
There’s no point in trying
It will never work
Why does this always happen to me
Things won’t last (only about good things)
This will never end (only about bad things)
My husband/wife should make me happy
This is a man’s world
Work is biased towards women
I must be happy all of the time
Moving forward

I hope that this brief snapshot of the subject of Limiting Beliefs proves a valuable tool that you too can use.

ooo000ooo

About Dave   I am a coach; speaker; radio presenter and founder of The Blue Sky Company.  I am also a therapist and co-owner of a virtual light centre called The Crystal Spring.  My therapy work includes music therapy; crystal therapy and I recently qualified as a Reiki Master / Teacher and I am currently studying a Colour Therapy course,

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