Wednesday, 6 November 2019

WHY DO WE "SHOULD" SO MUCH?


Hi it’s Dave and first of all let me welcome you to the Under Blue Skies blog.  I don’t know if you came here by accident, responded to something online or arrived via a search engine, but no matter which way it happened you are very welcome.

In last week’s post I spoke briefly about “letting go” of a couple of things in our lives, namely the “should feeling” and the “need to know”.  So this week I have decided to explore and delve deeper into the process.

One thing to look at more closely is our use of the word “should”. 

We often find ourselves under pressure to follow certain paths through life.   You know the ones I mean, those that are set out for us by the society in which we live, by our parents (and our grandparents) and the media.

To quote Tony Robbins we are often to be found “shoulding all over ourselves” and this can be many areas of our lives, including our Mental Health, our careers and also our relationships.  We have all done it! 

The pressure to conform to other people’s ideas is immense and this pressure is actually holding us back from the things that we want to do or that we need to create in our lives.

We often hold onto things for the sake of other people or because we are worried about what those other people might think of us. 

Do you find yourself holding on to friendships that have run their course simply because you feel you should?  Ask yourself this, is this friendship still alive or has it simply withered into something approaching toxic?

Have you found that you are missing out on things because you are holding tightly to a perfectly crafted and rigidly followed routine?

Imagine what could be possible if you decided to break out of that routine how would your “shoulds” like that one?

By letting go of those routines and following your dreams your journey can lead you to places that you would never ever visited in your former life. 

I know of people who have broken free and gone on to create amazing lives for themselves and they have all passed similar comments, such as “at long last I have found myself!” or “Here I am, right where I should be after all these years!”

It is said that “the attachment to things is the root of all suffering” (Buddhist teaching indicates as much), so ask yourself what is it that you are attached to? 

Do you believe that material things will bring you happiness?  - we all do!

It could be fabulous food, a need for a loving relationship, the desire to be loved or even the ideas you have about yourself and who you are.

So without becoming religious or delving into religious teaching there is a certain common sense in some of the practices that Buddhism reveals.  One of the first steps the teaching of Buddhism and mindfulness is to “cultivate the right view”.  This means to be aware of and notice how transient worldly ideas, possessions and really ourselves actually are.

We are all changing and fluid and often we do not notice these changes because they are so very subtle.

So allow your “shoulds” to move on and also the ideas that you have about yourself.  Let yourself become more “me” not who you think you “should be!”

Follow your true path, live by your values and needs, and stay true to what is right for you – not the pictures and ideals that society would have you aim towards!

(adapted from an article published in “Psychologies” magazine)

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About Dave   I am a coach; speaker; radio presenter and founder of The Blue Sky Company.  I am also a therapist and my therapy work includes music therapy; crystal therapy and Reiki.  Currently I am studying towards a Diploma in Mindfulness

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