We begin to feel jealous when we feel that special connection that we have with another person is threatened.
We might be scared that the situation might cause the connection to be broken. In other words we begin thinking that the other person has found someone to replace us. It is a fact that romantic jealousy can present real problems in a relationship, however research has indicated that there are several elements (or traits) that can ultimately lead to much greater jealousy and these are listed as
Low self-esteem;
A general tendency to be moody, anxious,
and having emotional instability
Feelings of insecurity and possessiveness;
Having a high level of dependence on your partner;
Feelings of inadequacy in your relationship - fearing you are not good enough for your partner;
A chronic fear that your partner will leave you or will not love you enough.
At this point I feel it is worth determining what significance a relationship has upon us and it is my belief that without doubt relationships are one of the most important parts of life.
They can bring you intense pleasure, both
physically and mentally but can also provide you with the most indescribable
pain if not handled correctly.
If you
handle your relationships well then they reward you by being totally fantastic.
There are two basic rules of life that
apply directly to any relationship
Everything in life must GROW (if it does
not grow then it dies
Everyone must CONTRIBUTE in meaningful way
(if you don't contribute to a relationship
it will die)
When people have a relationship that is
working properly it provides the most
fantastic, incredible, joy, passion, and
fulfillment that can ever be known by a man or woman.
That said there are some very basic
questions about relationships that are probably
best asked at the juncture
How do you create an extraordinary
relationship
How do you deal with challenges in a
relationship
How do you nurture and expand a
relationship
then determine where you want to be and ask yourself where is the gap?
You are either in a relationship or not –
if not then two things become apparent
a) you
say you want a relationship but it is not yet a must for you to get into one
b) you
don't want a relationship because you associate it with pain. However this
will eventually cause you
greater pain that being in a relationship because you are
failing to satisfy
the need to be loved which is one of the basic needs of humanity.
It is not something we want, it is something
we MUST have.
People have to realise that being in a relationship
will mean that there are times when
you are going to get hurt but if you have
an outstanding relationship you will have
learned that there is a value in
getting hurt, it can be a way of teaching you something
and the secret is to
learn from it so that in future you can avoid the situation leading to
the
hurt.
If you are in a relationship then there
are 3 possible places that you can be
a) you want more from it – this is a
natural situation, you want to grow and develop
b) you want an end to it, to be out of it
because you have associated pain to being in
the relationship OR you associate pain with leaving the
relationship
c) you may be in a place where the
relationship is static
In relationships we respond to what we
think is happening
“she said so and so, so that
means........” OR “he did this and so it must
mean...........”
because we bring our past experiences into
play and associate the now event with
our reference point from the past.
We often refuse to allow the other people
to begin with a “clean slate”
It is very important to remember that
“this is not that”
When you want to leave a relationship are
you making the person into someone else?
Are you responding to them as if they
were a family member or your boss?
Are you adding a meaning to something that
is not correct, are you magnifying the situation?
It is worth noting that almost all stress
comes from making something bigger than it actually is
If you want to change your life then try
asking yourself a different question when you
are about to become upset. Ask yourself “what else could this mean?”
When you are upset it is rarely that you
are upset because of what someone said or did,
you are upset because of the
meaning you have associated with their words or actions.
So make yourself come up with as many
positive alternative meanings as your negative ones
If you start piling negative meanings onto
different actions you will ultimately drive the
other person into a place where
they no longer want to be with you – they will no longer
want to “relate” to
you.
When you build these negatives you will
push them away and yet you are supposed to
be their friend, their boss, their
partner, their mentor, their father etc.
Don't ever make the assumption that their
actions have been deliberate and specifically
to cause you harm, because it is
rarely about you. They are probably
trying to sort their
own problems out and they are not thinking about you,
maybe you just “got in the way”
So look for empowering alternatives as to
why they are behaving as they are.
This will bring you back into balance and
so even if you are right you will have the ability
to be level headed and
realise that they are vulnerable and you will no longer attack.
Relationships are about unity – would you
rather be right or be in love?
Do you care about the other person. You have to learn to become a Master of Meanings
even if they are wrong you should
learn to be elegant about it after all, you are a team.
If you injure the relationship you injure
yourself
People do not respond positively to
negative reinforcement but they consistently respond
to pleasureable
reinforcement.
If you are in a static relationship (point
c that I mentioned earlier) then this is possibly
the worst place to be. You don't want to leave but you don't want to
develop further in
the situation. If we
go back to something I said at the beginning of this discussion, to exist
in
this life you have to grow and it is the same with a relationship if it does
not grow it
will wither away.
Think about you ideal relationship – what
would it be like, what would you say, what
would you laugh about, what would
you share how would you surprise one another.
And finally I would like to add something about Jealousy, the monster in the corner.
We begin to feel jealous when we feel that special connection that we have with
another person in threatened. We feel scared that the situation might cause the
connection to be broken. In other words we begin thinking that the other person has
found someone else to replace us.
It is a fact that romantic jealousy can present real problems in a relationship,
however research has indicated that there are several elements (or traits) that can
ultimately lead to much greater jealousy and these are listed as
1. Low self-esteem
2. A general tendency to be moody, anxious, and having emotional instability
3. Feelings of insecurity and possessivenes
4. Having a high level of dependence on your partner
5. Feelings of inadequacy in your relationship - fearing you are not good enough for your
partner.
As Tony Robbins once commented
"Life IS relationships and the quality of
your life is directly related to the relationships you
create".
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About Dave I am a coach; speaker; radio presenter and founder of The Blue Sky Company. I am also a therapist and my therapy work includes music therapy; crystal therapy and Reiki. Currently I am studying towards a Diploma in Mindfulness
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